My Walk Down 8Mile

This has been a long time coming but my kids are older now, settled, stable and need me at my best. SHAME places a heavy, relentless and crushing burden on a person that is while small people revel in the ability to keep the Sword of Damocles (shame) properly affixed above your head. SHAME can’t survive in the light and neither can the shitheads that judge (that is a paraphrase of Brene Brown’s work). Brene Brown says that you should inter the realm of vulnerability not cloaked in armor but naked. So, I take my walk down 8Mile at her advice.

  • If you Google me, my search leads with a blog written by a racist, bigot coward named Paul Boyne who sits in his mothers basement in Virginia pumping out hate. The first line of the blog and my Google search reads “Remember the nigger, pedo, child trafficking games of Matthew Couloute? But, Let’s started before that.
  • I’m sure that I lied when dating in the past. I’m sure that when travelling all over the county for work that I had more than one girlfriend. And I’m positive that I cheated on some of them. Because back then, I was young, stupid and had a little money in my pocket. Hell, I was more flattered than anything that women were attracted to me. I was on a career path, moving forward and leaving friend and girlfriends in the rear view mirror as I was on a mission. A selfish mission.
  • I liked scotch and loved vodka and the only thing that slowed me down was vanity and knowing that the mortality rate in Siberia from drinking the nectar of the Gods was quite low.
  • I battled situational depression, as I still do from time to time. During those days I disappeared on my friends and family so that they don’t see me at my worse, feeling shame, not liking myself. [note to self, the gym and exercising are the best medications you can take for depression.]
  • I’ve been well off, I’ve been broke and I’ve been in middle of the road all of which are stressful.
  • I was suspended from practicing law for 5 months and absolutely burned my legal practice down to the ground. That’s what happens when you’re miserable and surrounded by the wrong people.
  • I have 2 failed marriages one because I was a shitty communicator and another because I played a role in a toxic relationship.
  • I was arrested for throwing yogurt during an argument. Case was dismissed.
  • During the course of my second divorce and child custody case the legal strategy was to try to prove that I was an abuser and a predator. They posted on web sites and even engaged a blogger to help spread the word that I was a pedophile, a woman abuser and that I was trafficking my daughter. In the real world I suggested, voluntarily took and passed 2 polygraphs; 3 family court evaluations; 25 rejected DCF inquiries and had a court order placing my daughter in my care. (The game of divorce.) I’m certified child safe.
  • I’ve sold cars, worked for UPS and have been General Counsel at professional football leagues.
  • I didn’t spend the time with my father that I should have before he died. In hind sight, the only real time I truly hugged, no, that’s not the right word, embraced my father was when he had a fatal stroke sitting at my dinning room table. I held him for 20 minutes before the ambulance arrived. He was my hero.
  • I have debts that I’m still paying off.

It’s funny, publicly I was called a cheater when I was happily married; I was called an abuser when I was sitting on the couch watching Fast and Loud; I was called a pedophile when I had custody of my son for the last 12 years and my daughter was with me as well; I was suspended from practicing law because I couldn’t keep up with my practice when my father died and my divorce was crushing me. And for years, I knew it was all my fault. And for years I’ve kept it inside and crammed it down just to get through another day. It eats at you…. It eats at your soul…And, I don’t think people realize the worse part, that when you’re told that you’re a bad person and the Internet believes it and continues to index it, after time you start believing it. It’s SHAME and it will claim your life if you let it.  Not to mention that it’s been YEARS since any of this occurred.

Today, I take my life back. To my friends and family that stood by me through the shit storm, thank you.  For those who talked shit, kept their distance and branded me with that that Scarlett letter, I forgive you… an you can go #fuckurselves.

My kids are older, they understand what their DAD has gone through and need me at my best. So please, I don’t live in that world anymore and if you try to take me back there we’re going to have a real issue. If you choose to judge me based on internet propaganda and for being young and stupid a lifetime ago please do. It’s the right of the ignorant to remain ignorant.

In the immortal words of Young Jeezy… You Can Find Me In the A

P.S: for anyone who has children that are dealing with cyber bullying please contact me at mattcouloute@gmail.com  If I can help, I will.

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